The Feminine Mystique, Betty Friedan

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“Each suburban wife struggles with it alone. As she made the beds, shopped for groceries, matched slipcover material, ate peanut butter sandwiches with her children, chauffeured Cub Scouts and Brownies, lay beside her husband at night- she was afraid to ask even of herself the silent question– ‘Is this all?”

This book was pretty long-winded & dated & repetitive. It was written in the 60s so I guess it wasn’t as interesting to me as more 3rd, 4th wave feminist reading, but it is still enlightening, especially if you want to better understand the historical trajectory of feminism in the states. Honestly, it also made me really sad because Friedan was drawing from real experiences, testimonies and research throughout the book which makes you never forget that real women went through this suffering.

Friedan reveals how women were pushed by schools, the media & even corporations to fall into the role of housewife-mother, not so much out of choice but because that’s what they’ve been told they should do. Of course, today, feminism is very big on choice, and that if the woman chooses to be a housewife she should not be shamed for it and that it should not be considered a lesser vocation. But now I can understand why older feminists who lived through the 50s and 60s feel so strongly against it. The problem is that at that time, despite the progress made after the suffrage movement where women were encouraged to work & build themselves, there was an ideological regression that moved to limit women to the domestic sphere. So the choice element is taken out through coercion.

“Chosen motherhood is the real liberation. The choice to have a child makes the whole experience of motherhood different, and the choice to be generative in other ways can at last be made, and is being made by many women now, without guilt.”

 

Women’s magazines that used to have female editors were taken over by male writers and editors and the stories of accomplished women having marvellous careers or encouraging others to achieve their best were replaced with stories where women were lauded for staying at home and taking care of her family — which isn’t bad of course — except that the choice to achieve, have a career, were painted as selfish endeavours. Intelligent articles were replaced by articles that infantilised women.

In schools, even universities, Intelligent women were at every point encouraged to give up their talents & abilities to being housewife-mothers. There were even university modules that were geared towards preparing you to be a housewife. While in the 30s more women graduated and had their own careers in the 50s at least half (in fact more) would go o to be housewives and not exercise the learning they have had in university. And even if they did go out to work they faced discrimination at every level still. Men felt threatened by the presence of women in the workforce that they had to compete with and women were made to feel guilty when they achieved high stature in their work and careers. They were made to feel like they were taking up space that a man should rightfully have and that they should be at home, taking care of their families.

“In almost every professional field, in business and in the arts and sciences, women are still treated as second-class citizens. It would be a great service to tell girls who plan to work in society to expect this subtle, uncomfortable discrimination–tell them not to be quiet, and hope it will go away, but fight it. A girl should not expect special privileges because of her sex, but neither should she “adjust” to prejudice and discrimination”

Corporations who profited from the banality of the housewife capitalised on the guilt and anxiety that these women often felt about their own femininity that seemed to so heavily depend on their identity as housewife-mothers. They often used guilting tactics to sell their products.

These housewife-mothers suffered. They often had an identity crisis because they were denied the ability to realise themselves and often did not know who they were beyond their identity as wife and mother.

“It is not possible to preserve one’s identity by adjusting for any length of time to a frame of reference that is in itself destructive to it. It is very hard indeed for a human being to sustain such an ‘inner’ split – conforming outwardly to one reality, while trying to maintain inwardly the value it denies.”

Research showed that these women suffered from profound feelings of emptiness, depression, alcoholism, physical ailments, unhappy marriages & had children who were more likely to be abused or had low self-esteem. To top it off, these women were also blamed when children had low self-esteem, had discipline problems, or were found to be too smothered that they did not know how to perform basic things themselves. But it was also at that point people seriously looked into the despair that was plaguing housewives.

“The insult, the real reflection on our culture’s definition of the role of women, is that as a nation we only noticed something was wrong with women when we saw its effects on their sons.”

In contrast, women who were able to stubbornly insist on studying even if they have to maintain the home at the same time, or work, or find some way to spend time and energy just for themselves, found that their home life improved, their relationships with their children and husband improved as their family regarded her as her own person.

This book is not perfect, Friedan’s discussion on homosexuality was a trainwreck. But in terms of revealing the reality of housewives at the time, it was a truly important expose. It really made me understand my own housewife mother’s profound dissatisfaction too.